This is why people cry when they receive an Oscar.....

First and foremost, it has been three weeks since my last post and I've been getting the guilt trip from everyone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. To be honest, until now, I've felt that I haven't had anything to say.

February has been a challenge for me even though the winter weather has been incredibly mild in the midwest this year. There should be a name for color of the sky in Chicago from November to March because if you stare at it long enough, the specific hue of gray will without a doubt suck the life out of you. It's actually quite similar to the Lord Voldemort face paint:

I'm watching the Oscars tonight. It's inspiring and I need some inspiration right now.

There was a short clip interviewing the mothers of major stars and how proud they are of them now and how worried they were years ago about their children living in little ramshackle apartments in LA or NY. One mother said that she went to visit her daughter (can't remember who) in LA and the apartment windows wouldn't close all the way and the doors didn't lock. I believe it was George Clooney's Mom who said that he used to tell her on the phone that "things were going well in LA and he knew that he was the best known, unknown actor in LA!" That's exactly the belief you have to have as an up and coming artist. That you are the best. Shout out to my lifelong dance coach, Watmora Casey: confidence, elegance, and beauty. Those three words are easier to channel when you are 12, pre-pubescent, and haven't ever been told NO.

If you don't believe in yourself and the fact that you have something special to offer, then you can sure as hell count on nobody else believing in you either. Artists need to have a degree of selfishness to them and I am struggling with that because it's not my nature. I love to give and am yet to learn how to be my #1 fan without feeling egotistical.

Some days I wake up feeling that confidence but recently it's been a struggle. In fact, I filled out an application to be a flight attendant yesterday. And it looks awesome. Will I actually go through with it? I don't know. Am I serious about it? I don't know. But yesterday it looked damn fun and I was fed up; fed up with every single aspect of the dance world. I was cut once again from a company that I love and it hurts. And it's tiring  absolutely exhausting. And for me, it's embarrassing because I'm so hard on myself. I think about what people, mainly my family, must think of me and how awful of a dancer I must be if I can't get a job!?

Three weeks ago I made it down to the bottom 6 of about 50 girls at an audition for a company based in New York City and I was told that I was "beautiful, talented, strong, and a natural mover." This was all followed by the comment, "Why do you think you were cut, Paige?" And I said that I think it must be my body. And I was then told that "No, you have a beautiful body and line and facility but that I need to slim down and lengthen." Okay. I can do that. But after losing a bunch of weight after college and feeling good about myself, that's the last thing I wanted to hear. Sometimes it feels like you are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever good enough, thin enough, beautiful enough, tall enough, short enough, dark enough, light enough, brunette enough, blonde enough, or...yes, foreign enough.

I went for drinks with two friends, Eli and Olivia while I was in New York. Eli is supermodel tall and Olivia is teeny tiny short. We are all dancers and all unemployed at the moment. One in Boston, one in New York, and me in Chicago. It was so comforting to be with them and realize that we're all in it together. We came to the conclusion that at our age and ability level there are thousands of able and talented girls and it really comes down to the ones who want it bad enough to suck it up and keep on going living this lifestyle.

Not everyone is willing or able to do that because of how demanding it is. You give up everything in hopes of making it happen and sometimes it can be downright dreadful. I don't care what people say.

You can love what you do, but it's risky emotionally, risky financially, and risky with some relationships too. What if I don't make it? How many years am I willing to dedicate to auditioning with no guarantee of a job at the end?

Risk. That's what it comes down to. Some of the biggest names accepting Oscars tonight are crying up onstage exactly because of that. They are the few who worked hard and took big risks and made it.

...but where are the ones who took risks and didn't turn into Emma Stone and Penelope Cruz and Angelina or Brad?




Just a little mid-winter freak out.

"It's like strapping yourself to a rocket and its either going to blow up...OR its going to do 9 million loopty loops and everyone is going to look at it in awe." --Oscars