here goes nothin'

Well...here I am! 10,000+ feet up in the air, thank you Southwest Airlines for a wifi enabled aircraft. God forbid I go 5 hours without being connected to the world, haha! Sad, but so true. It looks like I am somewhere above Nebraska right now. Who would have EVER thought an audition would have me flying in this direction. The last time I went remotely this direction was to spend the summer at the San Francisco Ballet School.

It sure would be nice if I could say here goes nothing, so just for kicks...here goes nothing. But in reality, here goes a hell of a lot: Audition #1 of 1,000,000,000 this year and flying across the country. Most normal people must think I am absolutely out of my mind, and they're actually quite right, but if I was normal or based my life off of being normal or did anything normal or what was expected of me for the past 21 years I don't think that I would be in the position I am right now. Chasing your dreams, or at least the experience I have had chasing mine (PS I'm still chasing/sprinting/hyper-ventilating), has taken more stamina and perseverance and dedication and spit and vinegar and sweat and blood and tears than I ever imagined it would. People tried to tell me and clearly I didn't want to hear it! In fact, if I knew what I know now about this dance world, I'm not sure that I would have started what I did years ago. But I suppose that's why we don't know what the journey is going to entail when we set out.

What is particularly hard for me right now is opening up as an artist. This is ironic, because for those of you who know me, I am not a quiet or reserved person outside of the studio. I come from a big, loud Italian family from the south side of Chicago, rough-housed with two brothers for most of my childhood, and went to college in New York City. I would describe myself as outgoing and, to some of you, actually quite a crazy girl. But what I struggle with is finding that version of myself in the studio.

It could be a number of things, one being that I grew up in such a reserved/classical/technical ballet training, but my own theory on this is the fact that I have gone through more adversity and more obstacles getting to where I am today than people realize. I'll have teachers that actually get mad at me for making things look to easy which makes me absolutely boil inside. It might be something I have to work on in a contemporary realm, but I kid you not, I once had the teacher who-shall-not-be-named say, "Well, you look like you just don't care because everything clearly comes so easy to you." Now, whether she meant that as a compliment or a scolding, who the heck knows/cares, it doesn't matter because nobody has the right to assume that I haven't worked my ass off to get where I am today. Basically, shame on her. And! If I am ever fortunate enough to teach at an advanced level like she is, you will never ever ever ever ever hear those words come out of my mouth to a student. Never.

I need to preface this with the fact that every single artist deals with obstacles. Some much more with others, but to some degree, everyone faces them. My situation is that I am more sensitive and emotional about rejection than many of my peers. My subconscious remedy for dealing with the obstacles I have faced year after year is completely closing off as a dancer and acting like it doesn't hurt me and that I'm strong enough and that I'm indestructible. Well, guess what. I would probably be better off being "normal" as an artist than closing off and being selfish as an artist. There is only one person who knows how weak I actually am and that is my mother! She can read me better than anyone and knows what is on my mind every second of the day. By closing off though, it just brings more and more "no's" and cuts because I am not making myself vulnerable in turn not being able to make an audience experience anything. 

So, I'm going to take back the "here goes nothing" comment from earlier because I am admitting right now out on the big scary internet that although I might have NOTHING to lose and although I might be 200% prepared mentally and physically for this week and the next few months/years...there are real dreams and real emotions behind the cinder block facade of ME. And those dreams and those emotions are what I need to bring out to go and be the best dancer I know is hiding inside.

Phew.